Dreaming again

Once again I was weak. Thought it was going to stop. I managed just one week.


Saw your little message and my heart skipped a beat.


You seemed all right and we texted for a bit. Then all of a sudden you ignored me again. Did I say something wrong?


Five hours later, early in the morning, came your message. You said you weren't happy. What's wrong? I asked. But you didn't tell me.


OK, go to sleep my dear. You must be tired.


I fell back to sleep. In that short 20 minutes before I needed to wake up and go to work, you met me in my dream. What we did, where we were, what we said, I totally forgot now. But that's not important really, no?

Last night I dreamt that somebody...

Another sleepless night.

I blame it on the coffees that I had this afternoon. I can also blame it on stress and nervousness - tomorrow's my first day back to work after a ten-day hiatus. I can most certainly blame it on the after effects of the surgery.

But of course I know I am the only one to blame.

Why do I still care? Why is he still lingering in my head? Why do I still weep in the middle of the night? Why?

The same thing happened a couple of nights after the surgery. As I had the luxury of staying home and do nothing, I finally managed to catch up on my sleep. Which also means I had the luxury to have dreams, lots of it. And there he was. I wasn't surprised to see him there. Nothing dramatic happened. It was so uneventful that it felt good.

When I woke up, I just wanted to take the next plane to see him. I even searched on the web to find out how much the flight would cost.

Well, in the end I stayed put. Obviously it would have been the most stupid thing to do. But the fact that I actually thought about doing it made me ill at ease for a couple of days.

I have been telling myself that one day I will be able to look back and laugh about it. But when will that day arrive? Right now, I still do not have the strength to step out of this mess.