Moving on?

I'm moving, again. Rents are going crazy. Landlords getting greedy. 

Well it's actually not new to me. 

As much as I like the new place I'm moving to, I really still don't like moving. The physical part - packing, going through stuff, throwing stuff, unpacking... The going through stuff part is the most annoying. Often it unleashes a few monsters. 

Albeit the small size of my current flat, I managed to put away a few things, totally hidden for the past two years. 

While frantically packing this afternoon, I found some hidden "treasure". Not. 

Some old candles and candle holders. Not a big deal really and I may as well just throw them away.  Wait... What are these? 

Right. 

Two candles and a flower thingy. Shite. He sent those to me. Five years ago. I was so happy when I opened the parcel. I wanted to light the candles at once but didn't as I didn't want them to vanish with the flames. I couldn't see him as often as we wished and so I wanted to hang on to every little thing that has to do with him. 

But like any candles and flames, we didn't last. We still exchange news from time to time though. 

The last time I moved, he was asking me how it all went etc. This time around, I don't think I'll be getting a word from him. He just seemed to have disappeared. 

Then I started to pack my CDs. And there they were, the two CDs I had been listening to non-stop that year. 

Sigh...

沉默的消夜時間

見到她，想起他。沒去找他，卻從他想到另一個他。這個他，更加找不得。

想著想著，又想哭了。

Not so crazy and definitely not lazy food

As I mentioned in the previous post, I finally managed to try baking something new. 


Honey cake with honeyed almond crunch
I got the recipe from here.

When I first read the recipe, I thought it's very easy. But me being me, things always have to come with surprises. Right before I finished work in the office, I took one more look at the recipe and realized I missed out something very important. I needed to whisk egg whites. My arms are more Olive Oyl than Popeye, hm... And so i had to go buy an electric beater! Well I figured I'll need it for other cakes anyway but it's just annoying that I had to make a detour and stop by the department store... 


In the end the cake turned out ok although slightly burnt at the edges. Plus I managed to burn my thumb too. Typical me. 


Obviously I can't finish it all. Gave a few slices to my parents who were so happy to see that their daughter can and does actually cook. 


Also gave one slice to the chef, trying to kick away his blues. Glad that he said it's not bad. But maybe he's just saying. I still have the feeling that he really doesn't care. But like he said, the cake was not the point. 


Well, then what's the point then? If you would show me please...

Dreaming again

Once again I was weak. Thought it was going to stop. I managed just one week.


Saw your little message and my heart skipped a beat.


You seemed all right and we texted for a bit. Then all of a sudden you ignored me again. Did I say something wrong?


Five hours later, early in the morning, came your message. You said you weren't happy. What's wrong? I asked. But you didn't tell me.


OK, go to sleep my dear. You must be tired.


I fell back to sleep. In that short 20 minutes before I needed to wake up and go to work, you met me in my dream. What we did, where we were, what we said, I totally forgot now. But that's not important really, no?

How far can I go?

三年前，那位俄羅斯有婦之夫說：「其實你不知道你自己的底線吧。」 (I don't think you realise how far you can go) 當時我有點嬲，who do you think you are? 你以為很了解我嗎？

然後，他離開了香港。

三年後的今日，我竟然被另一個他不斷測試及挑戰我的底線。到目前為止，他很成功。我的底線就如無底深潭，要幾低有幾低。

現在他竟然同我細訴如何周旋於眾多女伴之中！好像我還要同情他。這，究竟是甚麼意思？

我知道，在他心裡，在他眼中，我再沒有吸引力。

我的紋身不再性感；我的打扮不再吸引；我那口音不再有趣；我給他的意外不再是驚喜。

再沒有說笑話逗我開心；再沒有為我彈結他；再沒有對我說想跟我生個小孩；再沒有將來。

或許從來沒有愛。那倒沒所謂，乾脆老實跟我說便行了。奈何男人都是貪心（花心？）的。多留一個喜歡自己的女人在身邊也好呀。

如此這般，我便繼續這樣下去。明知沒有結果。身邊的朋友都說不值得，我卻還認為他們不明白。其實，我一早已經明白一切。但，明白和接受可以是兩碼子事。

直到最近，我好像突然成為他傾訴心事的對象。為甚麼？那喋喋不休的獨白，跟我何干？前言不對後語的每個故事，也令我心裡不好受，卻因為要面子，還要裝成沒甚麼大不了的樣子。說到其中一位我也有過一面之緣的她，那殘酷冷漠的態度，令我頓然醒來：我在他心目中，大概跟這位女子一樣，只是一個無關痛癢，卻又久不久為他帶來煩惱的人吧。

累了，睡吧。

Merry Christmas

I'm writing this while still recovering from the bliss and hangover from last night's party. 
  
At first I was only expecting a small gathering with a few friends over a couple of drinks. As it turned out, I'm lucky enough to have more than a few friends. Even the one I least expected to see (but secretly hoped for) made it finally. 
  
Drinks downed, conversations flowed, jokes cracked, laughter echoed, hugs and kisses exchanged. What else do you need? 
  
"Happy birthday and merry Christmas"
  
Yes, I'm stuck with that all my life. And I'm glad you said that.

Unexpected 想不到

That night, as usual, he said he couldn't meet up with me. But somehow, I had a bizarre feeling that I would see him.

  

My friend's sister and brother-in-law were coming back to Hong Kong and we have arranged to meet up after their dinner. Since they're going to have dinner in Wan Chai, so I suggested to go to The Pawn. It wasn't opened yet when they were last here.

   

After a few rounds of drinks, my friend's sister was whinging that the place is too "gwai lo" and wanted to go to a local bar. Well the few of us who are local actually found it difficult. Is there really a local bar in Wan Chai? We only know about the so-called "gwai lo" places like The Pawn, 1/5. Or, the girlie bars or pick up joints along Lockhart Road and Jaffe Road... At this point, the only white guy among us - the brother-in-law said, "Oh last time S brought us to a local bar - where people play dice games. It's not far from here. I'll show you."

   

Well, what could we say? So we headed towards Jaffe Road even though we wondered where we're going... Obviously, the mysterious local bar was not to be found. We were near Joe Banana's when we finally gave up. There were two bars upstairs and we just thought we should give it a go. The first one had a live band but it was way too loud to have any conversation there. Once we stepped into the other bar... the words "meat market" popped up. Seeing as none of us had any idea where else to go, we decided to have a drink there.

   

As we walked towards the bar, time seemed to stand still.

    

He was there.

    

I sent a text to him while my friends were ordering. My hands were shaking uncontrollably.

    

He was with a guy and a girl. Was that his girl friend? Or catch of the day? Honestly, I didn't want to know.

     

He didn't seem to have seen me but his male friend was staring at me.

    

In the end my friend saw him too and asked if I wanted them to beat him up. I of course said no, thank you. Not that I wanted to defend him. It's just that I'm a nobody. Who am I to have a say in this? And I've known that for too long...

    

I wasn't too worked up that night. But still I cried after I got home. 

     

那天晚上，一如以往，他說不能和我見面。可是不知怎的，我有種莫名其妙的預感，覺得會碰到他。

   
好朋友C的妹妹及妹夫從英國回來，約好了晚飯後見。得知他們在灣仔吃飯，我便提議到 The Pawn。上次他們回來時，好像還未開幕。
   
酒過三巡，妹妹說這兒太洋化了，建議找間港式酒吧繼續飲。這下可考起我們這班港燦了。在灣仔，較為 up market 的酒吧都很「洋化」，如 The Pawn、1/5 等。而其餘的，就是洛克道、謝斐道一帶的 girlie bars 或 pick up joints。真的不知可以帶他們到哪兒去。怎料身為老外的妹夫卻在此時說：「上次 S 君帶我去了一間 local bar，有人玩骰盅那種呢！就在附近，我帶你們去。」
   
就這樣，我們一行六人便向謝斐道方向走，縱然大家都滿腹狐疑 ... ... 最後，當然找不到傳聞中的 local bar。行至 Joe Banana's，我們終於放棄，看到樓上也有兩間酒吧，便走上去看個究竟。首先進的一間有 live band，但實在太噪了。下層的一間 ... ... 一行進便有一股濃烈的 meat market 氣息湧上來，很有當年 Fenwick 的風格！但既然一場來到，也不妨喝一杯才走吧。就在行往酒吧的途中，時間彷彿停頓了。
  
他，在那兒。
  
就在朋友 order 啤酒時，我發短訊給他。我的手抖得很厲害。
 
他和一男一女一起。那是他的女朋友？還是 catch of the day 呢？說實的，我不想知道。
  
後來朋友 C 都看到他了。她問我要不要替我打他出一口氣。我當然說不。並不是我那麼維護他，只是，我算是老幾呢？憑甚麼呢？
  
那晚回到家，並沒有太激動，但還是哭了。

Baking

I've been meaning to pick up baking for a while now.
 
Finally I made these muffins today.
  
I thought about making a cake for someone's birthday last week. But then I was just so swamped with my freelance stuff the weekend and I had to give up baking once again.   
  
Maybe it's really not meant for him.
 
Yesterday I managed to find an easy enough recipe for these apple muffins. The only problem was I couldn't find buttermilk in supermarkets.
  
"Dear Chef, Question - can I replace buttermilk with milk?"
  
"Probably yogurt, not milk."
  
In the end my substitute for buttermilk was 1 tablespoon of lemon juice added to the milk. It worked.
  
But I still couldn't share these with him. He's busy, as usual.
  
Well, doesn't matter. I'm sure my parents would love to have my homemade goodies. 

Mis(s)Adventure 不定期連載之二：一個電話 | Mis(s)Adventure, trial and tribulation 2: a phone call

「別怕，包在我身上。我一個電話，他明天就會在香港消失。」

這並不是江湖電影內的對白，是百分百真人真事，由我的朋友真心說出。

長話短說，最近有一個人令我很不開心，於是四處向朋友傾訴。除了得到她們的陪伴、安慰和獻計，有好幾位甚至一邊拍心口，一邊豪氣的對我作出上述誓言。

別誤會，說這句話的朋友們，絕對「身家清白」，並不是甚麼有背境人士。我們都是斯文人，沒有殺人放火的習慣。只是，那位令我失落無比的人，嚴格來講，是非法勞工一名… … 於是，疼愛我的朋友，只是想替我出頭，打電話到入境處，警惡逞奸、除暴安良而已。

姊妹們對我的關心，我真的非常感激。而且這樣戲劇性的發展，也著實有趣 ── 如果那不是發生在自己身上的話… …

我，又怎捨得呢。

“You know, I can make him disappear with just a phone call.”

Seriously, this is not a line from the movies. My friend actually said that to me.

To cut a long story short, lately someone has been making my life miserable and so I talked to my dear friends about it. Not only did they offer much needed consolation and sharp suggestions, a few of them eagerly gave me that promise and said it with such conviction.

Don’t get it wrong. My friends are no mafia. None of us has the habit of killing or hurting people. It’s just that the one who left me so hapless, is strictly speaking, not legal in Hong Kong. My friends simply wanted to do the right thing: to help me and to teach him a lesson by calling the Immigration Department.

I of course must thank my friends for standing by my side. And to be honest, such drama is quite irresistible – if only I’m not in it.

How could I want that to happen?