Moving on?

I'm moving, again. Rents are going crazy. Landlords getting greedy. 

Well it's actually not new to me. 

As much as I like the new place I'm moving to, I really still don't like moving. The physical part - packing, going through stuff, throwing stuff, unpacking... The going through stuff part is the most annoying. Often it unleashes a few monsters. 

Albeit the small size of my current flat, I managed to put away a few things, totally hidden for the past two years. 

While frantically packing this afternoon, I found some hidden "treasure". Not. 

Some old candles and candle holders. Not a big deal really and I may as well just throw them away.  Wait... What are these? 

Right. 

Two candles and a flower thingy. Shite. He sent those to me. Five years ago. I was so happy when I opened the parcel. I wanted to light the candles at once but didn't as I didn't want them to vanish with the flames. I couldn't see him as often as we wished and so I wanted to hang on to every little thing that has to do with him. 

But like any candles and flames, we didn't last. We still exchange news from time to time though. 

The last time I moved, he was asking me how it all went etc. This time around, I don't think I'll be getting a word from him. He just seemed to have disappeared. 

Then I started to pack my CDs. And there they were, the two CDs I had been listening to non-stop that year. 

Sigh...

沉默的消夜時間

見到她，想起他。沒去找他，卻從他想到另一個他。這個他，更加找不得。

想著想著，又想哭了。

How far can I go?

三年前，那位俄羅斯有婦之夫說：「其實你不知道你自己的底線吧。」 (I don't think you realise how far you can go) 當時我有點嬲，who do you think you are? 你以為很了解我嗎？

然後，他離開了香港。

三年後的今日，我竟然被另一個他不斷測試及挑戰我的底線。到目前為止，他很成功。我的底線就如無底深潭，要幾低有幾低。

現在他竟然同我細訴如何周旋於眾多女伴之中！好像我還要同情他。這，究竟是甚麼意思？

我知道，在他心裡，在他眼中，我再沒有吸引力。

我的紋身不再性感；我的打扮不再吸引；我那口音不再有趣；我給他的意外不再是驚喜。

再沒有說笑話逗我開心；再沒有為我彈結他；再沒有對我說想跟我生個小孩；再沒有將來。

或許從來沒有愛。那倒沒所謂，乾脆老實跟我說便行了。奈何男人都是貪心（花心？）的。多留一個喜歡自己的女人在身邊也好呀。

如此這般，我便繼續這樣下去。明知沒有結果。身邊的朋友都說不值得，我卻還認為他們不明白。其實，我一早已經明白一切。但，明白和接受可以是兩碼子事。

直到最近，我好像突然成為他傾訴心事的對象。為甚麼？那喋喋不休的獨白，跟我何干？前言不對後語的每個故事，也令我心裡不好受，卻因為要面子，還要裝成沒甚麼大不了的樣子。說到其中一位我也有過一面之緣的她，那殘酷冷漠的態度，令我頓然醒來：我在他心目中，大概跟這位女子一樣，只是一個無關痛癢，卻又久不久為他帶來煩惱的人吧。

累了，睡吧。

My n-th monologue

Can't believe it's been a year. I've been a classic fool for a year.

I have to admit that there's been loads of good times. But mostly, I felt lost, lonely and sad.

The Chinese astrology said that last year was not really a good one for me. Turned out, the worst and best things happened to me was actually the same thing.

It's always hard to say goodbye. But I guess I have got to be the one doing it.

And I did. It didn't turn out the way I expected. I was angry but all the better. At least I did it and I saw the ugly side of it all.

It wasn't a clean cut though. I was weak...

But for some strange reasons, I felt better now. I think I'm ready now. To move on.

Take care of yourself.

Merry Christmas

I'm writing this while still recovering from the bliss and hangover from last night's party. 
  
At first I was only expecting a small gathering with a few friends over a couple of drinks. As it turned out, I'm lucky enough to have more than a few friends. Even the one I least expected to see (but secretly hoped for) made it finally. 
  
Drinks downed, conversations flowed, jokes cracked, laughter echoed, hugs and kisses exchanged. What else do you need? 
  
"Happy birthday and merry Christmas"
  
Yes, I'm stuck with that all my life. And I'm glad you said that.

Where is the light?

I was talking to my colleague this afternoon and she suddenly asked, "Do you realize it's 29 October already?"
   
Time flies. It seems like yesterday that we're having fun on the boat, enjoying the summer sun. And look now, we're all set for the Christmas promotions.
    
And I'm still in that awful mess. I can't believe it's been more than six months.
    
It only took two months or so to send me from heaven to hell... And I'm still there. It will probably go on like this for a very long time.
    
Do I really want to get out of this? I don't know any more.
    
Silly. You said. 

Joyeux anniversaire

One year older, but none wiser.

I was thinking to have a very quiet birthday this year - the same thing I wanted for the past few years. But friends had been very kind to organise a Christmas x Birthday party and so I went along. It was good. We all had great fun.

It was the ever sensitive K who caught me off guard. At one point, she said, "Hey, why do you look so sad?"

Did I really? I think I've been like this for too long. Getting bored easily. Never be able to fully enjoy the good company of my beloved friends. Just wanting to be lost in my thoughts. And so I did.

To make things worse, it was his birthday yesterday - two days after mine. And so all the unwelcomed memories came up again.

Joyeux anniversaire.

Short-sighted

I have been short-sighted ever since I was eight or nine years old. I rely on my glasses all the time, obviously. 

Lately my friends have been telling me I'm not seeing things clearly. Maybe my glasses are tinted. Maybe my glasses are covered with condensation as I come out from a chilly mall. Maybe I simply need to get a new pair. Maybe... 

On a good day, I am thankful for my friends' recommendations. At other times, I just wonder how would anyone know what is good for me? 

"How could anybody say they know how I feel? The only one around here who is me, is me." (Morrissey)

施比受更有福？

拋磚引玉？