Mis(s)Adventure 不定期連載之五：新年快樂 | Mis(s)Adventure, trial and tribulation 5: Happy New Year

Yes, I know I'm a month late to write about my new year celebrations. Must admit I've been procrastinating... (by the way, one of my new year resolutions is to kick this bad habit...)
  
Right, back to the subject.
  
I was planning to have a very quiet New Year's Eve. I just couldn't see myself going to Lan Kwai Fong or Wan Chai just to get myself drunk. I can pretty much do that any other day.
   
That day I left office after lunch and went to meet up a friend and spent some great time together. After that I needed to go pick up some stuff for my dear friend (but that's another complicated story) before going home for dinner.
   
Mid-night arrived unceremoniously as I watched Madonna's concert on DVD. I was about to send a text to wish a few friends happy new year when J texted me to see if I wanted to go out. And I thought why not? By the time I got ready to go out, half of the crazy crowd on the streets would have been gone. It would be bearable. Besides, I hadn't gone out with J for quite a while. So, to Wan Chai we went...
  
There were still a lot of people out there but not as bad as I thought. Most of them were actually on their way home. The two of us went to an English pub. We didn't want anything fancy. Just a (relatively) decent place where we could sit down and talk would be good enough.
  
We were about to finish our drinks and go when a young guy asked if he could sit next to us. Well, why not?
  
Then his friend sat down as well. J and I were literally stuck between them.
  
Then they started talking.
  
"What's your name?" 
"Where are you from?"
 
** yawn ** how boring...
  
"Where do you live?"
I said, "Hong Kong." (you stupid)
   
"Yes, but where?"
"Hong Kong Island." (sigh)
  
"But where in Hong Kong island?"
"Why would I tell you?"
  
"OK, let me guess. Pao Ma Dei?"
"Oh, so that's the only place you know how to say in Cantonese (and in a bad accent)? Nope, I don't live in Happy Valley." 
 
"Er, you look posh. The Peak?"
"I'm not posh. No." (eyes rolling)
  
"OK, Repulse Bay."
    
At this point, it was getting so stupid that it's actually funny. The other guy tried to say something else so that we wouldn't think they're creeps. J and I were trying very hard not to burst out laughing.
  
"Oh, I know I know. Stanley!"
"Erm... actually yes." I said. "We're from Stanley Prison. It's New Year's Eve and we got half day release. You see those four big guys at the door? They're the guards. They'll make sure we go back there safely, in less than half and hour."
   
It's very easy to BS when you're a little tipsy.
   
And that was obviously the biggest, worst, stupidest hint to tell them we really didn't want to talk to them any more. They finally gave us peace.
  
Don't say we're mean. We had been very patient with them. But there must be something more interesting to talk about than to find out where people live?
   
Or maybe I'm just too old for that.

Mis(s)Adventure 不定期連載之四： Why are you speaking in Mandarin?

承上文，本來小女子以為各方友好會熱烈提供史上最屎搭訕例子，點知門庭冷落。

碰啱最近又有不識死之徒出現，唯有再次將自己的慘痛經歷獻世，希望能收拋磚引玉之效。

某個晚上約了朋友喝東西，我早到，於是邊飲邊等。不久，發現有人站在我身旁的茶几上，並對著我說話。

他：##%^#@

我：吓？

他：##%^#@

噢，原來是講國語的白人... ... 他想我讓開，好讓他可以行過，去廁所。這麼爛的藉口，真虧他想得出，做得到。

不久，他又回來，原來他的朋友們就坐在我後面。他繼續跟我講那五音不全的國語。

他：##%^#@

我：吓？

他：##%^#@

我：Why are you speaking in Mandarin? Can you speak Cantonese?

他：er, no... ##%^#@##%^#@##%^#@ （這是他的國語，別誤會是粗口）

嘩，又煩又低能又嘈又口齒不清（又唔靚仔，哈哈），於是我便轉過面，費事理他。點知他竟然毅力無比，繼續口水多過茶地練習他的國語。我實在忍無可忍，送了他一個「殊」。

他：Did you just shush me ?

我：Yeah

他：You can't shush me !

我：I just did.

他：##%^#@ （依然是他的國語，要講粗口的應該是我）

終於他放棄了，並走到另一班朋友處。耳根清靜，thank god.

#*@#%^%&##@ （這當然是我心裡的說話）

Mis(s)Adventure 不定期連載之三： What have I done to deserve this?

某日下午相約朋友在上環見面。我早到了，於是便先去買杯咖啡。一踏入咖啡店，便見到那站在櫃位前等候他 order 的食物的洋漢把我上下打量，然後還附加淫邪笑容一個。我心想，帶著黑超的是我，代表我可以肆無忌憚望你而不讓你知道，not vice versa，低能。然後...

我向服務員 order：一杯 iced latte，唔該。
他向我搭訕：噢，你知唔知今日星期五，如果你要 iced latte，我就有買一送一㗎？
我：（在墨鏡後反一下眼）哦
他：你都有九折㗎。
我：（再反眼）哦。唔該一個 croissant 吖。
他：噢弊，佢唔啋我。Total rejection...
我：（除了反眼，仲可以點？）
他：（還不識死）咦，你向呢頭返工㗎？
我：No
他：住喺附近？
我：No
他：嚟呢頭 shopping？
我：（大佬，上環 shop 咩 ping 呀。買海參定魚翅呀。不過費事再糾纏）Yeah

幸好這時我的咖啡已經到了，錢亦付過，可以閃開。The moral of the story - 下次反應要快啲，遇到騎呢人士，要即刻扮唔識佢的語言。佢講英文，你便講廣東話；佢講廣東話，你便講國語；如此類推。最好就係你轉個頭就同隔離嘅人講佢講的語言，包佢即時明晒你嘅意思。這是繼「做乜你頭先唔啋我個鬼佬朋友呀？你怕佢多毛呀？」之後，最騎呢的 pick up line。如果你有更經典的，歡迎與大家分享。

Mis(s)Adventure 不定期連載之二：一個電話 | Mis(s)Adventure, trial and tribulation 2: a phone call

「別怕，包在我身上。我一個電話，他明天就會在香港消失。」

這並不是江湖電影內的對白，是百分百真人真事，由我的朋友真心說出。

長話短說，最近有一個人令我很不開心，於是四處向朋友傾訴。除了得到她們的陪伴、安慰和獻計，有好幾位甚至一邊拍心口，一邊豪氣的對我作出上述誓言。

別誤會，說這句話的朋友們，絕對「身家清白」，並不是甚麼有背境人士。我們都是斯文人，沒有殺人放火的習慣。只是，那位令我失落無比的人，嚴格來講，是非法勞工一名… … 於是，疼愛我的朋友，只是想替我出頭，打電話到入境處，警惡逞奸、除暴安良而已。

姊妹們對我的關心，我真的非常感激。而且這樣戲劇性的發展，也著實有趣 ── 如果那不是發生在自己身上的話… …

我，又怎捨得呢。

“You know, I can make him disappear with just a phone call.”

Seriously, this is not a line from the movies. My friend actually said that to me.

To cut a long story short, lately someone has been making my life miserable and so I talked to my dear friends about it. Not only did they offer much needed consolation and sharp suggestions, a few of them eagerly gave me that promise and said it with such conviction.

Don’t get it wrong. My friends are no mafia. None of us has the habit of killing or hurting people. It’s just that the one who left me so hapless, is strictly speaking, not legal in Hong Kong. My friends simply wanted to do the right thing: to help me and to teach him a lesson by calling the Immigration Department.

I of course must thank my friends for standing by my side. And to be honest, such drama is quite irresistible – if only I’m not in it.

How could I want that to happen?

Mis(s)Adventure 不定期連載之一：一般見識

托朋友的福，參加了她「生日週」裡眾多飯局派對之一。

用最簡單的方法去形容這飯局，就是 dinner for six。出席人數不是重點，所持態度才是。首先男女人數均等，坐位安排指定男女男女，害得我不能和壽星女認真談心誠意賀壽。還有，男的全是洋人，女的香港同胞（內心在爭扎應否用港女這字眼）。明眼人一看，就知是甚麼一回事吧。

不要緊，我對自己說，我是來戥朋友高興的。而基於工作關係，吹水是難不到我的。於是便開始和身旁兩位男士閒聊。話題不知怎的扯到「香港回歸後的情況」，英國男士對於英國曾經統治香港十分驕傲，並說他的朋友都告訴他回歸後，香港實在一落千丈。一向並不愛港愛國的我，也委實不能對此苟同。英國人於是要求我舉例，我說了一些進步了，亦說了那些退步了的事情。他不甘心，但又沒法提出具體事情反駁。就這樣，我真的火都來了。於是我正眼看著他，問：「請問你來了香港多久？」

「三年。」

「同我收聲！」

坐在我對面的德國人也忍不住哈哈大笑起來。

接著，惟有談些風花說月，令氣氛輕鬆點。說著說著，談到自己剛剛從法國玩樂回來。英國人便問我是否懂法文，我答 oui。他竟然說，你不能只說一個字便代表懂得法文呢。哈哈，於是我以法文跟他說，我的法文比您的普通話好。（他懂得一點普通話，但和很多洋人一樣，犯了不分聲調的怪病，只有聰明人才能明白他說甚麼。）聽罷他只好說，其實自己完全不諳法語，對面的德國人便充當翻譯，並加多句，which I think is probably true。

餘下的晚上，其實還有一兩段如此這般的對話，不過不提也罷。（不過如果你對我好，下次見面時或許我會告訴你。）

然而，雖然窒到那麼應棍，心裡還是不高興。原來抱這種大英主義（大白人主義？），並且自以為是到這境地的還大有人在。而，我為甚麼還要坐在這呢。

歸根究底，那位英國紳士一向遇到的香港美女，都是又天真又傻的典型，對著洋男會以高八度聲線說英語，配以大量嘻笑，小量內涵應對。再加上，這樣的場合和配搭，我又的確不能怪他的。

最後要向我親愛的壽星女說，不要介懷，其實那晚我很開心，因為很久沒有寸人寸得咁應咁放肆了。That bunch actually made my day ;p 

最最後還要補充，我親愛的壽星女也算是半推半就，被人用她的生日作藉口之下，才不好意思不參與是次飯局的。鄭重聲明，她和我，與當晚其他飲食男女，絕對不是同一纇型的。